(Written on Thursday, June 5th)
BEAST Mode Day 347
This journey is exhausting. There. I said it. I am not taking it back!
Those of you who follow the journey through Facebook will know that I have joined Chuze Fitness across the street from my house. I became a member there to be able to motivate Juanito to get moving, and to also join other friends who have decided to begin journeys of their own. TZone and my trainers (Joe, Sean, and Trevor) will always be my home and my family, but I feel that what I have learned there is needed right now by my friends and family—I am blessed to be able to share the knowledge!
When I first enrolled at Chuze, the awesome salesperson, Daniel, told me that I would be entitled to a free personal training session that would show me how to use the machines and give me a comprehensive breakdown of how to meet my health and fitness needs. SOLD!
After two months of stalling on this session, I finally gave in last night and made the appointment to meet with a trainer today. I guess I should come clean about why I waited so long, right? The truth is that I hate hearing the truth. I don’t like going to see my doctor because all he does is impart Truth about my health. Why, then, would I willingly go to see a trainer who will put my information in a computer just to tell me that I am fat? What gives them the right? Who made up the program? Will he break it to me softly? Will I lose my mind when the computer starts putting together a graph of everything I do incorrectly? Which trainer do I choose? Ugh, so many things to consider and each time I would approach the front desk, I thought of another excuse as to why I couldn't attend the session.
Today would be different. I went in with the attitude that I would not let it defeat me. Then I walked in. Then I heard the word “burrito” being said and all my caution went out the door. I began imagining the burrito in front of me…refried beans, rice, chicken, sour cream, guacamole, cheese, cheese, and more cheese! I metaphorically began spilling the beans…about my journey. I was telling everyone at the front desk how long it had been since I had eaten a burrito and why. I spoke about my journey and how many changes I had made in my life since the inception of it. I think the trainer could tell that I was trying to avoid going on with our session. He said, “Ok, so I know you have to go to work, so do you want to get started?”
I wanted to run. When I say this, I am not talking about the treadmill. I mean that I wanted to run out the door and back into the safety of my home where the computer doesn’t tell me that I am fat, it only tells me that I have mail! I sucked it up and followed him into the Ab Room, where the computers we would use are located.
We talk. Actually, I talk. I begin my nervous chatter again about BEAST Mode and the journey and my trainers at TZone and my friends Maria, Linda, and Heidi, and food. And then I say, “So, yeah, I have this blog that I write, and I like to write about things that are significant. So in the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that I will more than likely write about today’s experience.” When I see that I haven’t lost him yet, I add, “And I will probably need to take a picture with you to put in the blog. I hope that’s OK with you.” I half-expected him to say no to me and stand up and walk away—I mean, HE would get up and walk away, not me. He didn’t. He responded by saying, “Yes, that would be great. We can take a picture when we are all done.” (I think this is what he said because that’s what I interpreted it as…lol)
We got down to business. He began asking me the requisite questions: age, how much do I smoke, how much do I drink, health concerns, what are my priorities with my fitness journey, how often do I eat fast food, how many meals and snacks I eat a day, etc. I answered each one of the questions as they came my way. It felt like the survey would never end. As a matter of fact, I didn't want it to end because I knew the end contained Truth…I didn't think I wanted to hear it.
So I began my chatter again, only this time it was about the race I hope to run in Vallarta in the fall. He begins to talk about his upcoming trip to Costa Rica and family he has in Cancun—there it was! I knew it. I ask, “Wait, do you speak Spanish?” He answers, “A little bit.” “I knew it! I knew you were Brown,” I say as I am practically jumping out of my seat with excitement. He explains that he is Mexican, Italian, and (I think) French (I forget). Aha—this helps to confirm my belief that this guy is an Abercrombie and Fitch model on his days off!
“What are you going to do while you are in Costa Rica? Is it for business or pleasure?” I ask. WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF MINE? Is what he should have answered, but instead he says, “I am just going down there to relax and surf.” My response? Do you really want to know?
“Wow, that’s so cool. Surfing is one of my ‘Bucket List’ items.” Seriously, did that come out of my mouth? Did I all of a sudden become a character out of an old Beach Boys video and believe myself to be a beach bunny? Of course surfing is on my ‘Bucket List’ and of course I will one day fulfill that wish, but the next words that come out of his mouth were not words I expected. With all the confidence in the world that he could save me if I were drowning in a raging storm, he says, “I have extra boards whenever you want to go out and learn.” Crap. As I write this blog, I honestly can’t remember what my response was. I am sure that in my mind I was already ripping off my Nike yoga pants to expose the board shorts I was wearing underneath. Also, I am sure that the stained white t-shirt that I was wearing magically turned into a Roxy rash guard…I digress.
We arrive to the part of the survey where he needs to enter my weight, height, and body fat percentage. It asked me where I believed that I carried most of my weight/fat. There was no option for ALL OVER MY BODY so I chose the midsection. I freak out when I see the next screen. It was a 3-D model of what the computer believed my body to look like. She was a lady who was white from head to toe, small shoulders, round midsection, and thin(ner) legs. I was waiting for him to look at me and make adjustments according to what he saw. I seriously panicked for a minute waiting for that uncomfortable pause in his speech to pass, when I finally realized that he was waiting for me to respond before he moved to the next screen. “YES!” I practically screamed, just so I wouldn't allow him time to realize that the lady on the screen looked nothing like me. We move on.
As we come to the end of the questions and it is about to spit out my results, he lets me down gently by telling me that I only have to lose about 72 more pounds in order to reach my goal. It took everything in me not to choke him out. Does he have any idea what I have given up thus far just to lose what I have lost? Does he know that instead of counting sheep to fall asleep, I count curly fries? Does he know that I cry a little every time I pass by a Tommy’s and don’t order a double cheeseburger with extra onions and chili cheese fries? Does he sense the panic in my body because meeting the goal the computer spit out meant that I couldn’t celebrate my BEAST Mode anniversary with a vodka binge? And lastly, does he know that all I really want to do is hit the delete button on his keyboard and start all over?
Yes. Yes, he does know this because the look on his face told me that I am not the first person who has freaked out on him. And instead of asking me to relax or telling me that hard work will get me where I need to be, he studies my face, works his magic on the keyboard, and shows me ATTAINABLE AND REALISTIC goals. It was as though he passed the ‘just kidding’ wand over my eyes and erased all the self-doubting and self-loathing thoughts out of my mind, and with them went my excuses (a million of them) as to why my journey would need to come to an end.
The final page of my results revealed the most significant thing I learned today, and the scariest. The results are compiled and it gives you three ages; the first age is your actual age, the second age is the age that your body thinks it is based on lifestyle choices and family medical history, and the third age is what your body will think it is when the prescribed goals are met. My actual age is 42.5 years. My body thinks it is 44. WHEN I meet my goals, my body will think that it is 37.
I gasped when those results flashed across the screen. At first I was elated because my body only thinks it is a year and a half older than it actually is—score! Then I was doubly elated to see that if I met my goals, I would be back in my thirties without even needing to click my red heels together. SCORE X 2!
My results were immediately e-mailed to me (I can post them at a later date if you all want to see them) and my session was over. As I got up to get ready to leave, the trainer reminds me that I can always go to him with any questions that I may have about the machines and about the free-weight area that I was inquiring about. I smiled and thanked him for his time and he reminded me that we still needed to go to the front to take our picture. Ha! I had let it slip my mind because I was so busy thinking about getting on that surfboard!
By now (if you’re still reading this) you are probably asking why I dedicated a whole blog post to finding out that my body thinks it is 44 years old. That’s not why I wrote this. OK, so maybe you are thinking that this is an advertisement or endorsement for Chuze Fitness. That’s also not why I wrote this—they will do just fine with or without this blog post. You want to try to guess again? No? You hate guessing? Yeah, me, too.
The reason why I wrote this blog is because I was afraid. After a year of working my ass off in the gym, eating as cleanly as I can, and spreading the importance of beginning your own journey, one would think that situations like this would be something I would easily get through. Do you remember my last blog post when I stated that your journey will be filled with curves and hills and valleys and dark tunnels? Well, I anticipated this experience to be a dark tunnel and I am afraid of the dark!
It didn't de-rail me…IT HELPED ME TO KEEP MY TRAIN ON THE TRACK.
It didn't knock me off of my journey…IT OPENED MY EYES TO THE IMPORTANCE OF MY JOURNEY.
It didn't blind me from the fact that I have come a long, long way to get where I am…IT TOOK AWAY THE FOCUS OF HOW MUCH FURTHER I HAVE TO GO.
It didn't break me…IT LIFTED ME UP AND MADE ME STRONGER.
It didn't define me…I DEFINE ME.
It didn't make me feel like a loser…I CHOOSE TO BE A CHAMPION.
Lastly, it helped me to remember that many different people positively contribute to my journey. The results of my survey, whether positive or negative, would not have the power to change my course—nor would the person delivering the news to me. However, something tells me that if he would have asked me to a coffee and donuts session, I would have offered to brew the coffee myself! I am thankful that Creator put Anthony in my path, though he may have thought me to be a neurotic old lady!
Go forth, my friends, and don’t be afraid to read your Truths splashed across a computer screen. Embrace every experience on your journey as a learning experience. Mindset…make sure you set the dial to “growth” and keep it away from the “self-sabotage” setting. I believe in YOU. I believe in the success of YOUR journey.
Life is good.
Anthony and myself after my Truth session.